this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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