fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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