if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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