The maid of honor just puked.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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