cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
