Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
