I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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