I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
