When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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