I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
