If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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