i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
