You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
