if i can run in heels then i can drive
I puked a lego.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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