Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
