in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
