I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
