I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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