Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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