had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Even my vagina gasped.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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