his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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