I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
