So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
