Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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