Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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