God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
