So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i've created a new STD.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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