I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
