I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
