my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize