if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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