idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
