Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
