I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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