bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
