I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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