Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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