they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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