Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
