you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
