sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
