So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
a search helicopter?!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
