I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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