A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
