woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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