Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
