I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
