On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
