I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize