so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my sisters under your porch take her home
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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