Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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