We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
