I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
