He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
